so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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