i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
