meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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