i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
