Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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