I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
