On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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