I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
