shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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