this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
