You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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