Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
