I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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