i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
