im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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