areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
