3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
