it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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