drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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