Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
