So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
