i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
