I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
