I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
