omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
