if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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