the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
