dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
