masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
