Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
