So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize