I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
