sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
