i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
