census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
