Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
