It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
