Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
