where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
