Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize