Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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