just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
