the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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