I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
