I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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