My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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