OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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