I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
