i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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