I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
