Please, let me fuck your mom
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
