Please, let me fuck your mom
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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