What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
