I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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